A funny thing happened to me the other day.
My biological clock started to tick.
And it's a little weird.
I've never not wanted to have a baby (except perhaps when watching episodes of Supernanny in open-mouthed horror), but by the same token, I've never really, actively, comprehensively thought about having one, either. D and I have frequently talked about "having kids" in that big-picture, hugely theoretical sort of way, but these days (and nights) my brain is in overdrive, painstakingly going through what feels like every. single. detail. We haven't finished renovating our apartment. Where would s/he sleep? The study is a mess. Ooh imagine all the photos we would take! Where would s/he go to school? How long should I take off work? How would we juggle everything? I fear our home is a death trap for children ... oh no, that bookcase! Disaster waiting to happen [cue sample vision of small child pulling giant bookcase down on self]. What if I am a crap mother? Am I healthy enough? I would love a baby, it would be so very awesome to have a family with D [cue sample vision of Christmas morning with delighted child]. No wait, now I am terrified again. Pretty sure I read somewhere that I could still have one coffee per day if I get pregnant, thank goodness. Should check, though. I'm getting so old. When did I get so old? Will the cat freak out? The cat will probably freak out. Aw, poor cat - I love her! Oh wow, the poop. Bestie says that if I can deal with cat poop, then baby poop is no big deal, but I am sceptical. At least cat poop is solid (save for that one unfortunate incident) and in litter tray or alternatively, buried in yard. D would be such an awesome dad. I wonder what our baby would look like? God, I bet childbirth hurts like an unimaginable mo-fo. The idea of an epidural scares me. The idea of no epidural also scares me. Oh, I don't even know. We should stop swearing so much, imagine if the kid picked it up and started spouting obscenities. Am I ready for this? Are we ready for this? What if I can't cope? Don't be insane, zillions of people do this every day, it will be fine. I should stop worrying so much and over-thinking things. Always with the over-thinking. I can't even decide whether to get my hair cut without mulling it over a thousand times. Mustn't turn our child into a basket-case with the over-thinking. But ... what if I am a crap mother ... ?
And so on and so forth. And that's nowhere near all of it, by the way.
At my age (34 next month ... good grief, 34), the frequency with which I am asked "are you and D thinking of having a baby soon?" is steadily increasing, and I have to say that it's a little annoying given all the existing angst that is swirling around in my head about the issue. Heaven knows I don't need the application of any external pressure. I am perfectly capable of generating sufficient angst on my own, but thank you for your interest all the same. A few weeks ago, a 20-something even queried whether I had ever considered having my eggs frozen, which made me feel positively ancient and instantly prompted visions of test tubes and giant, stainless steel freezers in a windowless, dimly-lit room (the light had a slightly blue-grey cast, if you must know). How does one even respond to such a question? I mean, other than to hesitantly say "umm no, can't say that I have ..." and then smile politely, waiting for the next serve? In retrospect, I suppose I could have countered with "have you?" but then I always am lost for words when put on the spot like that.
And so, here we are - married for nearly one year, neither of us getting younger, freely admitting our terror to one another and teetering on that precipice of "soo, when do we do this?" And I wonder - do you ever feel not terrified? Really ready? Relatively confident in your ability to not be a complete and utter disaster of a parent? Or do you at some stage simply bite the bullet and say you know what, we both want this and we'll just work it out as we go along? I have a feeling that it may have to be the latter, because I don't think that complete and utter confidence is going to be making an appearance anytime soon ... (oh look, am terrified again!).
Gah.
And so on and so forth. And that's nowhere near all of it, by the way.
At my age (34 next month ... good grief, 34), the frequency with which I am asked "are you and D thinking of having a baby soon?" is steadily increasing, and I have to say that it's a little annoying given all the existing angst that is swirling around in my head about the issue. Heaven knows I don't need the application of any external pressure. I am perfectly capable of generating sufficient angst on my own, but thank you for your interest all the same. A few weeks ago, a 20-something even queried whether I had ever considered having my eggs frozen, which made me feel positively ancient and instantly prompted visions of test tubes and giant, stainless steel freezers in a windowless, dimly-lit room (the light had a slightly blue-grey cast, if you must know). How does one even respond to such a question? I mean, other than to hesitantly say "umm no, can't say that I have ..." and then smile politely, waiting for the next serve? In retrospect, I suppose I could have countered with "have you?" but then I always am lost for words when put on the spot like that.
And so, here we are - married for nearly one year, neither of us getting younger, freely admitting our terror to one another and teetering on that precipice of "soo, when do we do this?" And I wonder - do you ever feel not terrified? Really ready? Relatively confident in your ability to not be a complete and utter disaster of a parent? Or do you at some stage simply bite the bullet and say you know what, we both want this and we'll just work it out as we go along? I have a feeling that it may have to be the latter, because I don't think that complete and utter confidence is going to be making an appearance anytime soon ... (oh look, am terrified again!).
Gah.
That is such a gorgeous shot Natasha!
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of 2 teenage girls I can tell you that it is always " work it out as we go along". I'm still terrified, worried I'm getting it wrong, being a Rubbish mother etc etc. BUT it is glorious to be a parent & share the world of my daughters.
ReplyDeleteLouise
I understand the feeling. I´m 35 (tomorrow) and the clock started ticking as well. I do wanna have a baby and, even though I have no husband/boyfriend I´m not afraid of having a kid on my own, but I feel not ready and really wonder if I´ll ever feel ready. To make matters worse, a work colleague (I´m a NICU nurse, so I´m surrounded by babies 24/7) keeps on telling me that I should have a baby soon as time is flying and am not getting any younger!) and it´s getting a bit annoying because it makes me feel stupid and a bit "forced" into having one... I don´t know... I don´t think that we really feel 100% ready ever and the worrying about all the things that can go wrong is constant, I guess. So I do understand what you´re feeling...
ReplyDeleteHugs, Nat!
Hello my sweet - I love this post, it is like living inside my head in it's sentiment. Although the stuff I worry about is from whatever phase of parenthood I happen to be in. That's the most important thing I ever learned; that it all breaks down into phases. There is the phase of wanting a baby in a distracted way, that turns into want in a real I WANT way. Then there is the'trying' phase, and commonly some sad disappointments (more worries it will never happen), then it does (thank God), then there is pregnancy, birth, post-birth, young baby, oler baby, toddler - etc etc! And on it goes! To be honest the reality of it is so ACTUAL that you find that even worriers like us have to get a grip and get on with it! All I can say is: do it, you will be fine. It is the biggest leap of faith ever, for you, for D, for you and D, but it's what you do, if you want to, and it rocks. Lou x
ReplyDeleteA beautiful post Natasha.
ReplyDeleteI have two children and I don't think you ever really wake up one day knowing that you are now officially ready. At least no one that I know has! I guess it's more a feeling of simply knowing that you do want children. And I always did so at least I never had to wonder about it.
I can't say that I ever felt terrified - although looking back I wonder how & why I didn't!! I am not a worrier but I think Lou (as always) expresses it perfectly above....with parenting there is always something to "worry" about, but it all comes in stages and you move from stage to stage almost without realising, it does become second nature.
I read a great magazine feature in UK Marie Claire just this week about a professional woman in her 30s wondering if she wants children - she interviewed & featured four women in order to try & answer her question - one never had children, one did, all different scenarios etc....her issue started off with apparently being about what she would have to give up if she became a mother but actually by the end she realised her worry was really about whether she would be a good enough mother, the perfect mother that society appears to expect. She wasn't afraid that she didn't want children, she was afraid that she did - and that she wouldn't be good at it.
I realise this is not exactly you....but the article itself made some great points & it was interesting hearing what each woman had to say. One point she did make though was "without planning, my chance for children could slip away". The writer was 31 (I think).
I think if you cannot possibly imagine your life without children, then you have your answer....and from my point of view, motherhood is the best thing ever, I absolutely love it XX
I have no advice for you, just best wishes for whatever/whenever you decide :)
ReplyDeleteIf you know you want children, just do it. Knowing what I do of you, you will be a spectacular Mum - loving, caring and thoughtful and that's all our children need and want. All the other stuff you're worrying about will just fall into place - trust me. I can tell you that for me, becoming a Mum was the greatest thing I ever did and I'd do it all again, several times over, if I had the opportunity today. :)
ReplyDeleteI am a chronic overthinker too - a lawyer by training (10 years working in private practice transactional work, honing my skills in being anally retentive about absolutely), bit of a control freak, neat freak and perfectionist. We had our son just over 16 months ago (when I was 35) and while it hasn't always been easy and has involved a lot of hard work - it has been fantastic. If you have a gut feeling that you feel you should start - then go for it..! I've learnt to adjust and enjoy the craziness and lack of control and mess and poop and all the pluses from watching him learn and grow and laugh and kiss and hug and tantrum (!) far far far far outweigh the things you need to adjust to. It has been the greatest thing I and my husband have ever done and we're thinking about number 2 now. I also wondered how good a mum would I be but I think it just comes naturally and happens without you needing to think about it. Oh - I love taking photos and my little boy has grown up with the Lumix GF1 in his face everyday. We live in London and I take about 50-100 photos everyday for the parents back in Aus. We now have a wonderful collection of photos showing our little man growing up and doing his stuff. He even knows how to "press" and loves to play with the settings. Before having him there is absolutely NO WAY I would have let anyone else, let alone a baby, touch my GF1, but if there's a sign that demonstrates how much he has changed me..it's my being completely happy for him to take the camera in his chubby little hands and sticking his sticky fingers on the lens...! Love your photos and blog - it makes me homesick for Sydney.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful and honest post. I love these comments as well, and I'd echo many of them. Nobody is ever really and truly "ready", and nobody really and truly understands how life changes when you have a baby. Until you do. And then you figure it out. As Lou said, it breaks down into phases, and you figure out each one along the way, not without a little or a lot of worrying and angst. And it's wonderful.
ReplyDeleteLachlan and I are at the exact same stage right now. I think about it all the time and it sounds like we're going through the exact same questions while lying in bed, catching the bus, walking around etc. It's terrifying and exciting at the same time!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother. If you care about not being terrible that surely means you'll try the best you can to be wonderful, yes? Good luck with whatever you decide. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think you should cut your hair, on a completely different note. Hair always grows back and I think you'd look lovely. Maybe I'm biased because I love short hair -says the girl growing her hair, anyway...
The photo is stunning, by the way.
It's strange the way it creeps up on you. It took me five years of being married before I kind of went 'oh go on then' (I was 28) and then it wasn't really a 'whoo hoo' but looking back now my children are one of the best decisions I ever made.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and take care,
Nina x
Having kids is awesome, scary, hilarious, painful, tiring, exhausting, not what you expect ever- any day, amazing, truly a blessing, exhilarating, like being on a roller coaster, messy, heart breaking, joyful, delightful, tiring!, tiring! did I say tiring! One of the most fulfilling and fantastic jobs you'll ever have- the best decision- never regretted- imagine being really old with kids, grand kids and great or great great grand kids around you when you die- that's how I want to go! Just don't be pressured by other people's expectations about when you should or when the right time is. You and D have only been married a year (still honey mooning!) give your selves that beautiful space to just be you two- ultimately you'll know when it feels right. xxCorrina.
ReplyDeleteI was angst-ridden too and the first few months of motherhood were tough for me. But my little guy is now 3.5 years old and I wonder where those years have gone. I must say, he is the love of my life!
ReplyDeleteJust go with it, babies are so much more resilient than we give them credit for.
All the best with whatever you decide. :)
I've been mulling over this post of yours for a while. I was all set to write that I totally have baby fever but that could just be because I'm in no position to have it. Then when I was at the doctor's the other day and waiting far too long in the waiting room, I had to endure two kids have the most spectacular tantrum because neither wanted to share a toy. It involved feet stamping, squealing and got so bad that the mother had to take one outside. And right then, I thought "Eff this poo, I am so glad I don't have kids" so ... you know.
ReplyDeleteI think if you're worried about being a good mother, chances are you will be exactly that. Being aware is probably half the battle. I have no doubt you'll make a fantastic mum.